


buzzfeed nine-nine

by rycnbergara



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV), Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Brooklyn Nine-Nine AU, Eugene is Holt, F/M, Kelsey is Rosa, M/M, Ned is Terry, Quinta is Gina, Ryan is Jake, Shane is AMy, Steven is Charles, Yall are in for a wild ride, b99 deserves better, did i mention steph liked my tweet, rosa aka lgbt queen, seasons 1-4 on netflix, shane is pan in this, so ryan is in this, theyre catching bad guys and looking good doing it, this is my favourite show okay, we all been knew that jake should be bi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-06
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-14 20:09:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13597446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rycnbergara/pseuds/rycnbergara
Summary: “That’s how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys, and look good doing it.”orBrooklyn’s 99th precinct has just got a new captain, and Detective Ryan Bergara and team take a lot of warming up to.





	buzzfeed nine-nine

**Author's Note:**

> “Now do the robot voice.” The expression on the guy’s face still hadn’t changed. He was a scary dude, Ryan had to give him that.
> 
> “Which…?”
> 
> “The robot voice you were doing when you implied I’m a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.”

“This job is eating me alive.” He slammed the door of the vehicle, walking slowly but surely toward the tape, one step at a time.

 

“I can’t breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy – the man in the white hat.” He reached the tape, ducking under it casually, though with an unmissable look of apprehension shining in his eyes. “I’m not _becoming_ like them. I _am_ them.”

 

“HEY!” Ryan whipped his head over to where Shane was standing with a hand on his hip, waving his notebook incredulously. “What are you _doing,_ weirdo?”

 

“I’m doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco!” Ryan’s face split into a wide grin. “Or actually, ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco.” He faced several of the screens that lined the wall behind him. “Sup.”

 

Shane sighed. “Get it together, man.” Ryan shrugged, and Shane turned to the shopkeeper. “So, the store was hit about two hours ago. They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras—”

 

Shane’s shoulders tensed, and he scowled when the demo of a keyboard played loudly behind him, and he whipped around. Ryan was standing there, not looking even remotely sorry - even when he turned the music off and announced his apologies, he had a shit-eating grin on his face that made Shane want to throttle him, just a little bit. Shane turned back to the shopkeeper with a sigh. “I’d like a list of all your employees, whoever had access to the store. I’d also like to apologise for my partner – his parents didn’t give him enough attention.”

 

“Uh, detective?” Ryan interjected with a smile. “I already solved the case. We’re looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms.”

 

“And _how_ do you know that?” Shane said, approaching Ryan, disgruntled.

 

“I had an informant on the inside.” Ryan’s expression dropped, and he looked Shane seriously in the eyes. “He’s been here for years. Watching, learning, waiting. His codename?” Ryan reached dramatically behind him, and it was an understatement to say that Shane was intrigued. His gaze followed Ryan’s hand attentively.

 

“Fuzzy Cuddle Bear!” Ryan cheered, flipped the bear he was now holding around, and Shane glared at him with loathing. “He’s a nanny cam!”

 

Shane scoffed. “Ugh, you got lucky.”

 

“No, I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this gigantic electronics store, there had to be at least one working camera.” Ryan corrected, transferring the memory card into the computer. “Oh, hi, bad guys!” He laughed, referring to the film that now had close ups of the culprits’ faces and actions. “You did it, Fuzzy. You busted ‘em. It’s time to come home.”

 

Shane watched, narrowing his eyes as Ryan pulled the bear up to eye level, putting on a stupid voice. “I’m not sure if I can. I’ve been undercover so long, I’ve forgotten who I am. I have seen _terrible_ things. I haven’t known the touch of a woman in many moons—”

 

“Alright.” Shane turned away, his faced scrunched up.

 

“Detective Madej! Don’t walk away from me!” Ryan pleaded, still acting as the bear.

 

**_BUZZFEED NINE NINE._ **

****

**99 th Precinct Morning Briefing. 8.31am. **

 

Feet up on the desk, the shit-eating grin had returned to Ryan’s face as he spoke. “Yes, I did crack the case, so Madej, would you like to do the honours?”

 

Shane scowled again as he stood up and approached the whiteboard at the front of the briefing room, as everyone in the room simultaneously let out a mocking cheer. The score was in the top right-hand corner – it had been since they’d made the bet. The grimace still hadn’t left his face as he furiously wiped away the “23” under “Bergara” and replacing it with a “24” in the tiniest of handwriting. He mumbled over and over “I hate this.” as jests and applause came from the audience behind him.

 

“I’m winning!” Ryan grinned. “It’s a good feeling, it’s a good feeling, yeah!” He addressed the surrounding beat cops and detectives who were cheering loudly.

 

“Enjoy it while it lasts.” Shane sneered, but Ryan only beamed.

 

“Oh, I will!”

 

Sergeant Fulmer evidently decided enough was enough, and he commanded silence in the room as he stood at the front. Ryan shifted in his seat, his hands resting behind his head and his feet sprawled on the floor as he paid full attention.

 

“RB, update on the Morgenthau murder?”

 

“Yeah – update for all you murder fans – earlier this morning, someone decided to shoot and kill luxury food importer Henry Morgenthau.” Ryan stood, Steven patting him on the back, and he approached the front of the room. “Body was found by the cleaning lady. During her interview, I deduced - using expert detective work - that she had something _super_ gross on her chin.” He pressed the button and the slide changed to a close-up of the woman’s chin. Everyone watching recoiled, groaning.

 

“I think it was flan.” Steven called confidently.

 

“Steven thinks it was flan! I think it was butterscotch pudding…?”

 

“Maybe it was just old person gunk. Y’know, how old people always have that gunk on them?” Kelsey suggested, somehow looking both intrigued and indifferent about the conversation. Murmurs of agreement rippled through the small crowd.

 

“Oldie gunk. Could be, yeah. Anyone else?”

 

“How about we focus on the murder, and not the old person gunk?” Sergeant Fulmer interjected, looking irritated but very slightly amused.

 

Shane sat up a little straighter. “Crime techs are at the scene now, we’re headed back when they’re done.”

 

“Okay, I want you _on_ this. It’s gonna be priority one for the new C.O.”

 

People began to leave but Kelsey piqued their interest when she called out. “Wait, Sarge, tell us about the new captain!”

 

Ned sighed. “Captain Yang will be here soon. He’ll wanna introduce himself. Dismissed.”

 

***

Quinta was twirling a pen at her desk, copying a file when Steven rolled over to her desk on his chair.

 

“Hey, Quinta…” He began. She offered a blank expression in return. “You know any scalpers? I wanna ask Kelsey to go to the Rihanna concert with me, but it’s sold out.”

 

Quinta sighed. “M’kay, two points to make here. First, Rihanna…you… _Rihanna.”_ She bit her lip, shaking her head. Steven sighed.

 

“Yeah. What’s your second point?” He said, suddenly irritable. Quinta took slight pity on him.

 

“Listen, she’s got a type. Which is really anyone but you.”

 

Steven slumped in his chair. “Yeah, that was my ex-wife’s type, too.”

 

“Look, a Rihanna concert’s a pretty big swing, man. I don’t know. She’s into watching old movies…”

 

“Cool!” Steven’s grin was back. “Where would I find a place that shows old movies?”

 

“Oh, yeah that’s easy.” Quinta began. Steven seemed to be hanging off her every word. “Just go on the internet, and search for the phrase – ‘I wanna buy two movie tickets…for a girl who doesn’t like me’.”

 

“Thank you.” Steven replied with a glower and he left Quinta’s desk. She watched his retreating back with a grin.

 

***

 

 

“Hey.” Ryan looked up. Shane was perched on his desk, aiming for a shot to throw a ball of paper at the bin. “Have you heard anything about the new captain?”

 

“No. And I don’t care – I just wish Captain Reinacher was still here. He was awesome.”

 

“He was terrible! You just liked him because he let you do whatever you wanted.” Shane scoffed, waving his hand dismissively.

 

_Ryan and Kelsey were side by side in their desk chairs, each holding a fire extinguisher and surrounded by everyone who worked near or in the bullpen, each and every member of the crowd shouting “GO! GO! GO!” while Sergeant Fulmer counted down from five. Once he reached two, however, Captain Christopher Reinacher came out of his office. Everyone dropped silent – Ryan and Kelsey froze in their chairs._

_“What the hell’s going on around here?” He demanded. Ryan bit his lip._

_“Fire extinguisher roller chair derby?”_

_“Okay.” Reinacher nodded and headed back into his office. Everyone sighed with relief._

 

_“AAAAND GO!”_

Ryan would like to say he’d won, but Kelsey always disagreed.

 

“What’s your point?” He cocked his head to the side, grinning at Shane.

 

Shane exhaled through his nostrils impatiently. “If I’m ever gonna make captain, I need a good mentor. I need my rabbi!”

 

“Sorry, dude, but this new guy’s just gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher, who’s only concerned with _following-every-rule-in_ - _the-patrol-guide. Meep-morp, zeep. Robot captain, engage._ ” He added the last part in a robot voice, missing completely the apprehensive yet smug smirk on Shane’s face.

 

“Is that what you think?” A voice came from behind him and Ryan almost shit himself, truth be told.

 

“He-Hey! New captain alert!” He laughed nervously. “You must be the new C.O, I’m Detective Ryan Bergara, great to meet you—”

 

“No, don’t let me interrupt. You were describing what kind of person I’m gonna be. I’d like you to finish.”

 

Ryan sighed before shrugging. “That’s not necessary…” He began, but under the intense glare of the new captain, he squirmed. “Or I could recap very quickly, sure. Uh, let’s see…” He tried desperately to ignore the smug expression on Shane’s face that glared into his side.

 

“Go on.”

 

“I think I said some joke…about, uh, about being a washed-up pencil pusher—”

 

“Now do the robot voice.” The expression on the guy’s face still hadn’t changed. He was a scary dude, Ryan had to give him that.

 

“Which…?”

 

“The robot voice you were doing when you implied I’m a rule-following robot. I wanna hear it again.”

 

Ryan glanced quickly around the bullpen. Everyone either looked like they were about to burst out laughing or like scolded children.

 

“Meep-morp. Zarp. Robot…” He muttered weakly, hating this reaction he was having. Usually he was cocky, a touch arrogant maybe, but he was _funny_. This man, he wasn’t a fan of. This man made him look like a submissive child.

 

“That’s a terrible robot voice.”

 

“Yep.”

 

“The next time I see you, I’d like you to be wearing a necktie.” The captain said sternly, before brushing past Ryan and walking toward his office.

 

“Oh, uh, actually – the last captain didn’t care if we wore ties.”

 

“Well your new captain does. And more importantly, he cares that you follow his direct orders. Everyone, I’m your new commanding officer, Captain Eugene Lee Yang.”

 

“Speech!” Shane cheered. The captain turned to face him.

 

“That was my speech.”

 

“Short and sweet.” Shane nodded approvingly, giving a thumb up.

 

“Sergeant Fulmer. A word?”

 

With that, the two superior officers disappeared into Yang’s office and the detectives were left alone.

 

Shane grinned, exhaling. “I _love_ that guy!”

 

“Uh, same!” Ryan laughed.

 

Quinta gasped. “He’s so suave! Does anyone get a _little_ bit of a gay vibe?” Everyone stared at her blankly. She shrugged. “No? Okay.”

 

***

 

The sign reading _Captain E Yang_ was placed firmly on the desk, an unreadable (yet proud) expression on the face of its owner.

 

“Sergeant, you were in the 1-8 with me – though you were significantly…”

 

“Fatter, sir? They called me Neddy Nips.” There was a beat of silence. “Because I had fat…uh-”

 

“Titties. Yes, I remember. I never liked that nickname…though, to be fair, it was accurate. Anyway, what’s this I hear about you being on administrative leave?”

 

“A year ago, my wife and I had twin baby girls – Cagney and Lacey.” He showed the captain the picture of them he kept in his wallet.

 

“They have adorable chubby cheeks.” The captain said in a monotonous voice, nodding.

 

“Ever since, I kinda got scared of getting hurt. Lost my edge. There was an incident in a department store...”

 

_“Hey, man, you okay? You look a little jumpy.” Ryan asked as he edged forward alongside Ned, the two inching quietly through the store, surrounded by brightly coloured ties and suit jackets. Ned waved him off._

_“I’m fine…I’m fine.” He nodded, peering around the sale rack. There was suddenly a clanging from a short distance away. Ned shrieked despite his previous words and fired his gun about ten times while screaming. The gun clicked afterwards as the (perfectly harmless) mannequin Ned had just shot fell over._

_Ryan shrugged. “I think he’s dead.”_

“And I’m still not quite right.”

 

Captain Yang just stared at him for a moment. “Tell me about your detective squad.”

 

Ned cleared his throat as the two looked out the window of the captain’s office into the bullpen. “Um, so Habersberger and Miller. They’re pretty much worthless, but they make great coffee!”

 

“Copy that.”

 

“Now the good ones. Kelsey Darragh – tough, smart, hard to read, and _really_ scary.”

 

_“Tell me who has me for Secret Santa.”_

_Miller turned back around from the printer to face Kelsey, grinning. “No! That takes all the fun out of it!” She met Kelsey’s eyes, which were narrowed into a glower. She gulped. “It’s Habersberger. He got you a scarf. I’ll make him return it.”_

_“Yes, you will.” She turned slowly away from her. She watched her retreating back in fear._

“Steven Lim. He’s a grinder. Not the most brilliant detective, but he works harder than anyone else. He’s not physically…gifted.”

 

_Steven stood in the bullpen kitchen, trying to pen a muffin and upon doing so, immediately dropped it._

_“Aw, man. My muffin!” He bent down to get it, only succeeding to whack his head off the kitchen counter. He flailed in pain, scooting back and proceeding to step on his muffin. “Oh, my head! My muffin my head… and I stepped on the… on my muffin! And my head and oh, my muffin—”_

“Shane Madej. A genius in his own right. He’s got seven brothers, so he’s always trying to prove he’s tough.”

 

_Shane sat in the breakroom, a sub in one hand and a bottle of sauce in the other._

_“Careful. That stuff’s pretty hot.” Habersberger said absentmindedly, not glancing up from his paper._

_“Oh, is it? Hmm?” Shane questioned, wrenching the safety cap out of the bottle, drenching his sub in the hot sauce. He took a bite, instantly regretting it as his mouth felt on fire. He choked a little, but Habersberger didn’t notice. He still hadn’t looked up from his paper._

“He and Bergara have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. Ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.”

 

“Tell me about Bergara.” Yang requested, recalling their little stand-off previously.

 

“Ryan Bergara is my best detective. He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn’t solved…is how to grow up.”

 

“That was excellently put.” Captain Yang admitted, almost astounded.

 

“Yeah, well, I’ve talked about Ryan a lot in my departmentally mandated therapy sessions.” Ned shrugged.

 

“Look, you know my history. You know how important this is to me. This precinct is doing fine, but I want to make it the best one in Brooklyn. And I need your help.”

 

“Absolutely, sir. Where do we start?”

 

Yang’s eyes travelled to Bergara, who was dancing around Shane desk, singing. “We start with him.

 

***

**Henry Morgenthau’s Apartment. 11.15pm.**

 

“Okay, so the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red footprint, and apparently had sex with the dish rack.” He waved a hand toward the dish rack which was upside down, smashed glass and plates surrounding it.

“Shell casing found here. Two shots.” Shane added, pointing to the floor by his feet. “Bang, bang.”

“Great work, detective!” Ryan grinned cheekily, reaching into his pocket. “You get a tie!” He threw it at Shane who caught it, laughing.

 

“Hey, that’s mine! You stole it from my desk!” Lim exclaimed.

 

“That’s right, Steven, good solve! Tie for you, too!” Ryan said, throwing a second tie to Steven, who laughed too. “Now, everyone be sure to put those on, because it’s impossible to solve crimes unless you’re wearing a tie!” He enunciated the last part particularly loudly so that everyone in the apartment could hear him.

 

“Lay off the captain! That man is gonna be my rabbi.” Shane huffed, writing in his notebook.

 

“Yeah, well, your rabbi is a pain in my ass.”

 

“Yeah, he’s a little too serious. What do you think, Kelsey?” Steven asked, turning to face her.

 

“He seems cool.” She muttered, focusing on her notebook. “Looks like the perp stole a computer, a watch…and a Jamon Iberico ham, valued at… _what?!_ $6000!”

 

“$6000 for a ham?!” Ryan repeated incredulously.

 

“Jamon Iberico is an amazing cured ham from Spain.” Steven chirped. “They had it at my uncle’s funeral…I _gorged_ myself at that funeral, I mean, I was constipated for three days.”

“Wow, lovely story, Steven. Thank you.” Ryan nodded, grimacing. Steven only laughed again. “Alright, listen up, everybody. Better contact Captain Yang, let him know we’ve got a… _ten tie situation_.”

 

“Speaking of ties, where’s yours, Meep-Morp?”

 

“This is fantastic.” Ryan muttered under his breath before whipping around. “Captain! Hey! Welcome to the murder, what are you doing here?” He smiled sweetly. Captain Yang didn’t rise to the bait.

 

“I like to know what my detectives are up to – that okay by you?”

 

“Yep.” Ryan felt small, pathetic, again. He hated feeling small.

 

“Take Madej and knock on doors. See if the neighbours heard anything.”

 

“Door duty? It’s a waste of time—” Ryan sighed, but it was a waste of time. Captain Yang interrupted him almost immediately.

 

“Darragh and Lim, check in with the coroner, report back to me in an hour.”

 

Captain Yang left briskly, not willing to hear complaints or protests. Ryan sighed again. “That went well.”

 

“No, it didn’t!” Yang’s voice echoed from the hallway.

 

Ryan rolled his eyes. “He’s got…like… _super_ hearing.”

 

***

 

Steven was slightly winded, chasing after Kelsey before she climbed into her car.

 

“Hey, Kelsey! Kelsey. Kelsey!”

 

The woman turned around to face him after opening the door to her car.

 

“Um…I just happened to notice that, um, there’s an old movie festival playing at the film forum this week…wanna go?”

 

There was a beat of silence. “Sure.”

 

Steven could’ve squealed in surprise. He didn’t. “Cool! Awesome! There’s a bunch of movie options…I’ll probably just go with something classic, like _Citizen Kane.”_

_“Citizen Kane_ is terrible. Pick a good movie.” Kelsey replied, climbing into her car.

 

“Good call, smart.” Steven nodded as she began to drive away. “I’ll do it. I’ll pick a better movie than _Citizen Kane.”_ He watched the car leave, smiling.

 

 

***

 

**Captain Holt’s office. 11.45am.**

“So, Quinta.” Captain Yang and the woman were sitting in his office. “Civilian administrators like yourself often have their ear to the ground. What do Madej and Peralta have riding on this bet of theirs?”

 

“I will tell you on six conditions. Number one, you let me use your office to practise my dance moves. Second–”

 

“How about this? If you tell me,” Quinta hummed quietly in response, waiting for the captain’s preposition. “I won’t have you suspended without pay.”

 

“Oh, that sounds great.” Quinta swallowed. The captain grinned to himself. “Okay. The deal is, if Shane gets more arrests, Ryan has to give him his car. It’s an old Mustang, it’s pretty sweet. If Ryan wins, Shane has to go on a date with him. Ryan _guarantees_ it’ll end in sex. I bet on at least some over-the-clothes action, at the very least some touching-”

 

“No, that’s enough, Quinta.”

 

“-caresses, maybe. I could see Ryan showing up in a silk robe-”

 

“That’s enough, Quinta.”

 

“Alright.” She shrugged, standing up and leaving the office. Yang watched her retreating back.

 

***

 

**Morgenthau’s building. Door duty. 11.45am.**

 

“Let the wasting of time begin.” Ryan declared, just before knocking on the door of the apartment they were standing outside, already getting weary. A man answered, chain still on the door, his face just poking out.

 

“Hello.” Shane greeted.

 

“Hello.” The man had an accent.

 

“What’s your name?” Shane pressed, pen poised over his notepad.

 

“My name? Mlepnos.”

 

“Uh…can you spell that, please?” The two detectives waited expectantly.

 

“M-L-E-P-CLAY…”

 

“Did…did you say ‘clay’?”

 

“Yes, the ‘clay’ is silent.” Shane looked awkwardly at Mlepnos but nodded anyway.

 

“Alright, got it.” He put his notebook down and picked up a photo of the victim. “You seen this man before? He was shot last night.”

 

Mlepnos reached for the photo and Shane gave it to him, assuming it was for a closer look. He was definitely wrong, as the man nodded.

 

“Oh, thank you.” Mlepnos smiled and began to close the door. The two detectives were left outside the door.

 

“No, sir, that’s ours, we need that-” The door was shut.

 

“Aaaand he kept it.” Ryan commented. Shane scratched the back of his neck awkwardly.

 

*

 

Detectives Madej and Bergara stood outside apartment 5F. “ _Wall St Journal_ on the doormat, top floor apartment…20 bucks says this guy’s like a hot, eligible bachelor.” Shane nudged Ryan’s shoulder.

 

“I’ll take that action.” Ryan nodded, before raising a hand to knock on the door. “Police, open up!”

 

Ryan almost broke out into a fit of laughter when an 80+ year old man opened the door, his oxygen tube under his nose and tightly wrapped in a dressing gown. 20 bucks had just become his. “Oh, hello, sir!” He grinned, unable to stop himself giggling. “How are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible-Detective!”

 

***

**The 99 th Precinct Bullpen. 1.15pm.**

“No surprises from the coroner.” Steven reported to the captain as he opened the file in his hand. “A few gunshots, shoulder and chest.”

 

“None of the neighbours saw or heard anything.” Ryan added. “And what’s worse, Madej struck out with a ninety-two-year-old.”

 

Shane gasped. “That is not accurate, sir!”

 

“Ew, so you hooked up with him? Gross!”

 

Captain Yang rolled his eyes. “Alright, hit the pawn shops and canvass the neighbourhood. And while you’re out, you can buy yourself a tie.”

 

“Oh, actually, sir, I’m wearing a tie right now.” Ryan grinned cheekily, and everyone glanced briefly at his collar then back to his face in confusion. He then lifted his shirt, revealing a tie wrapped around his stomach. “Check it out. Secret tie!” He laughed, turning around to show Steven and Kelsey.

 

“First of all, I think you’re kind of overdoing it with the manscaping, but more importantly, detective – why do you refuse to take my orders seriously?” Yang replied, glaring at Ryan, causing both Steven and Kelsey’s grins to fade. “Does anyone here know why it’s so important to me that you all dress appropriately?”

 

Everyone met his gaze with blank expressions.

 

“Hmm. Four highly trained detectives, and not one of you can solve this simple mystery. I want to be briefed on any new developments. Any questions?”

 

“I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too much manscaping, but we already solved that one, so I’m good.” Ryan quipped, a ghost of a smile on his face, as Yang glared again and retreated to his office. “Hey, Lim?”

 

“Yep?”

 

“What about this fancy ham stuff?”

 

“Jamon Iberico?”

 

“Yes. So – the perp left a really expensive TV, but then stole…ham? It doesn’t make sense. Is there a place near the crime scene that sells it?”

 

Steven bit his bottom lip, thinking for a moment before snapping his fingers. “Beneficio’s might.”

 

“Well, let’s go!” Ryan said, grabbing his coat.

 

“We gotta brief the C.O first, Ryan.”

 

“We’ll brief him when we catch the guy. C’mon.”

 

 

***

 

**Beneficio’s Gourmet Market. 12.00pm.**

 

“My name is Ratko. I don’t know anything.” The man behind the counter said with a Slavic accent of some kind. Ryan wasn’t sure.

 

“Oh. Okay. You recognise this guy, Henry Morgenthau?” Ryan bounced slightly on the balls of his feet, holding up a picture of the victim. Ratko didn’t even so much as glance at it.

 

“No.”

 

“Maybe actually look at the picture.” Ryan smirked, after sharing a glance with Steven.

 

“I don’t know him. I don’t know what happened. No more questions.”

 

Ryan ignored him. “Well, why don’t I run a scenario past you, Ratko, and you tell me what you think? You do know Morgenthau. He came in here, and tried to sell you some hams. You knew they were worth a lotta money, so you tried to steal them back from him when he wasn’t home. Only he _was_ home, so you shot him. That sound familiar?” Ratko only glowered at him. He hadn’t moved. “Uh, maybe some roleplay will jog your memory?”

 

“Great idea.” Steven piped up.

 

“Okay, yeah.” Ryan grinned.

 

“Okay, so I-I’m Ratko?”

 

“No, no, I’m Ratko.” Ryan corrected him.

 

“Come on. I’m always the victim.”

 

They stared at each other for a moment before Ryan sighed. “Look, I’m not doing this with you right here.”

 

Steven held his hands up in surrender. “Fine, okay.” He put on a different voice. “I’m Henry Morgenthau, owner of delicious and expensive hams. Don’t I know you from the grocery store?” He said to Ryan, who held up his hand like a gun.

 

“Kill! And, scene.” He grinned at Ratko, who, in one fluid motion, swept several glass jars of crackers and breadsticks at the detectives (who ducked) and clambered across the counter.

 

Ryan screeched. “NYPD! Everyone down!” Ratko ran through the store and Ryan’s hands found his gun, before he followed the Russian. “Ma’am, can you please get down?”

 

The elderly woman glared, before facing the olives again.

 

“Or, yeah, ignore me and continue shopping. Lim, get the door!”

 

“On it!”

 

“Ratko!” Ryan called, wandering through the aisles, looking for him. Attacking him with bags of crackers, Ratko shoved Ryan’s gun to the floor and it clattered under a stand. He took off again. Ryan caught up with him pretty fast, though unarmed, and Ratko grabbed him by the shoulders and began slamming him against stocks, knocking products to the floor. Steven came to his rescue, but Ratko threw Ryan into the other detective, sending them both to the floor. He ran again, leaping over the counter, before proceeding to assault them with bread rolls. They tried to take cover.

 

“Ow! Ow, Ratko!” Steven shrieked.

 

“Ratko, I’m getting mad!” Ryan growled, as Ratko resorted to other things he had behind the counter.

 

Steven cried out. “That’s a waste of manchego!”

 

“Steven!” Ryan grasped the other detective’s attention before signalling him toward the door again. He went on the search for his gun, encountering the old lady again.

 

“How are you still here?!” She only glowered at him.

 

“Ryan!” Steven shrieked. “A little help?!”

 

Ryan hurdled over the counter, where at the end, Steven’s face was being pressed into the mounds of ice cream by Ratko. As Ryan approached, Ratko bolted, leaving one of them completely covered in ice cream, but both of them perp-less.

 

***

 

**Captain Yang’s office. 1.00pm.**

“So, no, I did not brief you…and, yes, he did get away…but, some bonus good news – I got you hazelnut!” Ryan grinned, a sheepish air to his person, placing the small tub in front of Captain Yang. “And…there’s a little spoon there, for you…”

 

**The Records Room. 1.15pm.**

Ryan scoffed. “Is he seriously assigning me to the records room?” The file was dropped to the desk in anger, as Shane and the Sarge looked on smugly. “I mean, why do we even have a records room? Computer’s been invented, right? I didn’t dream it?”

 

“You’re lucky, man.” Ned shook his head. “I _wish_ I could get assigned here fulltime. You could not be farther from the action!”

 

“Sergeant, you know me! I have more arrests than anyone, can you please tell the captain how dumb it is to lock his best detective in a file cabinet?”

 

“ _Second-_ best.” Shane interjected.

 

“You’re wrong about Yang. That man had _forgotten_ more about being a cop than you will ever _know_. In 1981, he caught the Disco Strangler!”

 

_Eugene Lee Yang crept through the basement, pipes releasing clouds of gas surrounding him. He kept a watchful eye ahead of him, looking out for any sign of the serial killer he was looking for, or the poor girl he’d dragged with him._

_His hand reached for his gun and he raised it as he rounded the corner, coming across the scene of a yo-yo being held like a garrotte wire across a girl’s throat. “It’s over, Disco Man! Put down the yo-yo and back away from the girl!”_

“Wow.” Ryan offered. Shane looked seriously impressed.

 

“The man is the real deal. You have to listen to him.”

 

Shane decided he wasn’t finished gloating over Ryan. “Gonna be hard to win our bet when you’re on the bench, Bergara. Although, I did start a new category.” He held up a notepad that had a scoreboard drawn on it. “ _Murderers we let go._ And look at that! You’re winning!”

 

Ryan gave him a mocking smile.

 

“Have fun with your files!” Shane grinned as he retreated out the door.

 

“Yeah, you know what? I will have fun with my files! Have fun with your face!” He replied, following Shane to the door. He attempted to slam it shut behind him, but it hit a box of files that were in the way. “Slam! That was a slam!”

 

***

 

Kelsey kicked the side of Steven’s desk, grabbing his attention.

 

“So – what movie did you get us tickets to?” She said with a grin.

 

“Well, uh, just to be safe, I bought us tickets to all of them!”

 

Kelsey frowned. “Just to be safe? What does that mean?”

 

“I don’t know.” Steven shrugged. “I didn’t want to mess up…because you’re sorta…opinionated.”

 

Kelsey was suddenly hurt. “You think I’m opinionated? Here’s an opinion for you – you’re a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit.” She leaned over his desk in an intimidating manner. It worked.

 

He swallowed. “So…we can go see _North_ by _Northwest…”_

 

Kelsey shook her head. “We’re not seeing a movie together.”

 

“Good call. Smart. Keep it profesh.” Steven said as she glowered and walked away. He glanced toward Quinta’s desk. She held a thumbs up, reassuring him, but then she held a thumbs down – then blew a raspberry– and then mimicked an explosion. He nodded, a frown tugging at his lips, as he concentrated on paperwork.

 

***

 

**Records Room. The next day.**

 

There was a knock at the door. Ryan looked up, only to see Captain Yang there.

 

“Oh hey, Captain.”

 

“So, you found something…hey! I like the tie!”

 

Ryan shrugged. “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Anyway, I think I got something good here. Turns out the name ‘Ratko’ is made up. But I was digging through these files – one of which I literally found in a spider web – and it turns out there were a bunch of references to a Serbian thug, street names ‘the rat’ and ‘the butcher’, who’s known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has red soil, hence, the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau’s counter.” He threw his pen down in triumph.

 

“That’s fine work, detective.” Yang admitted.

 

“Thank you, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately! Let’s pound it out.” Ryan grinned, standing up from his chair with his fist raised for a fist bump, revealing that below his shirt and tie, the detective was wearing only Speedos.

 

There was a silence before the captain spoke up. “You know what? Such fine police work, let’s share it with the whole team!” He stuck his head out the room, shouting. “Madej! Lim! Darragh! Get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera!”

 

“That’s not necessary!” Ryan exclaimed, attempting to backpedal. “Oh, they’re here!”

 

“Let’s have a hand for the work of the fine master detective, Ryan Bergara! Yeah, let’s have a hand, everyone!”

 

There were cheers and laughter from the other detectives; Quinta was filming.

 

“Yeah, nice!” Kelsey grinned, clapping with everyone else. Someone wolf-whistled.

 

“Yeah. Thank you.”

 

 

***

 

**Brooklyn Self Storage. 10.14pm.**

“No record of Ratko on the ledger. Must’ve used cash.” Shane frowned, staring straight ahead at the entrance to the storage unit.

 

“Well, I, for one, am just pumped to be on a stakeout with you, Captain!” Ryan said, leaning forward to be level with the two in the front seat. “Yknow what my favourite thing is about stakeouts? Patrol guide says, ‘no dress code’. So, I’m just the zip-up hoodie and my two best friends!”

 

“Does he always talk this much?” Captain Yang asked Shane.

 

“I just tune it out. It’s like a white noise machine.”

 

“Well, anyway, Captain. Ned told me you caught the Disco Strangler? That’s incredible, I’ve read that case! With all due respect, sir, why’d it take you so long to get your first command?”

 

There was a beat of silence before Yang replied, “Because I’m gay.”

 

Ryan and Shane chuckled, but Yang wasn’t laughing.

 

“Seriously?” Ryan prompted.

 

“I’m surprised you didn’t know. I don’t try to hide it.”

 

A series of flashbacks ran through Ryan’s mind, particularly when Quinta asked the rest of them _‘Did anyone else get a little bit of a gay vibe?’_

“Damn!” He exclaimed. “I am _not_ a good detective!”

 

***

 

Lim and Darragh sat in almost silence, watching the side entrance of the storage unit. Kelsey held out a wad of notes.

 

“Here. I felt bad that you spent all that money on movie tickets.” She waved the money, indicating for him to take it.

 

“Why don’t you just go to the movies with me—”

 

“Nope.” She dismissed him, making him take the money.

 

“Okay.” He drummed uncomfortably with his fingers. “Well, this is awkward.”

 

“It’s not awkward. I like your company. You’re sweet.”

 

Steven glanced at her before grinning widely.

 

***

 

“When did you come out?” Shane asked.

 

“About 25 years ago. The NYPD was not ready for an openly gay detective. Then, the Old Guard died out, and suddenly they couldn’t wait to show off that they had a highly ranking gay officer. I made captain. They put me in a public affairs unit. I was a good soldier, I helped recruitment. But all I ever really wanted was my own command – and now I’ve finally got it. And I’m _not_ gonna screw it up.”

 

“Captain, I’m sorry, I-I feel like a jackass.” Ryan left out a heavy sigh. “But on the flip side, there’s Ratko. Humility over, I’m amazing!”

 

The three wandered through the storage unit, guns out and flashlights on.

“Fantastic.” Ryan sighed bitterly. “3000 identical blue doors.”

 

“Looks like we all got door duty.” Yang mused quietly.

 

“Ah, yeah. From before. Good one!” He turned around to Shane. “You look great!” He grinned, Shane rolling his eyes, before the captain and Ryan rolled across each other to check opposite passageways. Ryan went one way; Yang and Shane the other.

 

Madej and Yang came toward a forked passageway again; the captain cleared on direction, but Shane was frozen; a maintenance lady was mopping the floors, listening to music and refusing to move. Shane waved her over; but she gesticulated wildly for them to go another way. Shane was incredulous at this point – he gestured to the badge and ‘NYPD’ print on his vest; she turned around and directed their attention to the ‘MAINTENANCE’ on hers. Shane sighed loudly. “Unbelievable.” He exclaimed loudly as they squeezed past her. “Unbelievable!”

 

Ryan was sneaking down the corridor slowly, his gun at the ready, when he heard movement from inside one of the units. His eyes darted to the lock on it, which wasn’t bolted. He bent down, fingers finding the handle, lifting the door up; but Ratko was ready for him with a gun to his head already.

 

“Ah, Ratko. Great to see you.”

 

“You can’t stop me. I’m going.”

 

“Actually, you’re not going anywhere.” Ryan stated calmly, his gun arm loose by his side and the other raised in defence. “Because if you look to your left, you’ll see Detectives Lim and Darragh; right there is Detective Madej; and behind you is Captain Yang. Point is, my team have you surrounded. _Oh my god,_ I just got the tie thing! Captain, I just figured it out!” He called, leaning around Ratko to look at the captain.

 

“Maybe now’s not the best time, Detective.”

 

“It’s a uniform!” Ryan continued to shriek. He gesticulated wildly at his fellow detectives. “We’re a team, and the tie is part of that team’s uniform! Right?”

 

“You ask Ratko what team?”

 

“No, Ratko, shut up – Captain, it’s important to you because you were kept off the team for so long, and now you’re the coach, and you want us to all wear that same uniform. Boom! Nailed it!”

 

“Yes, you did.” Yang admitted, rolling his eyes. “Now just _arrest Ratko!”_

Ryan listened this time. “Alright, Ratko, down, drop the weapon. Hands on your head. Here we go—”

 

“He’s running!” Yang yelled as he followed Ratko in close pursuit, but Madej was too quick for the criminal, utilising his baton and taking Ratko down by the knees.

 

“Hands behind your head!” Kelsey yelled, while Steven cried, “Stay down!”

 

Ryan lowered his gun. “Phew. That’s how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir. Catch bad guys, and look good doing it.” He fidgeted slightly.

 

“What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Never took off that Speedo. Big mistake. It is _inside_ me. Great work, team!”

 

**_BUZZFEED NINE-NINE._ **

**Author's Note:**

> This entire idea was a dream I had once. Blame my subconscious and all my unsolved friends on twitter for encouraging me to actually write it.
> 
> Nah for real, I’m happy w this bc I love this show so damn much and it deserves all the damn love in the world. Watch it if you aren’t already, I PROMISE you’ll love it. All credits to the wonderful cast, writers and producers of this amazing show!!
> 
> Also this is quite long and it's only gonna get longer, buckle up ladies!!!
> 
> ((I would also like to note that Eugene hasn’t confirmed his sexuality. I am not insisting he’s gay, but the character Captain Ray Holt is gay and so that is how he’s written!))
> 
> Kudos and comments greatly appreciated!!


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